


Where's Johnny?

by mizue



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Love and Loss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-09-27 23:29:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17171519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mizue/pseuds/mizue
Summary: Johnny's face has been on the missing children page on the newspaper for two years now, and the posters that used to be all around the town were ripped and taken away long ago. It's been two years since Taeyong started to dream of fire and got lost inside his own existence. Somestimes, Taeyong wonders how would things be if Johnny was still there. But Johnny wasn't there, Taeyong couldn't be a normal college boy and Jaehyun was just way too good to carry that burden.or. Where Johnny has been missing for years and Taeyong, his best friend, is trying to cope with the pain. Jaehyun, his roommate, tries his best to help.





	1. Track one: when you’re gone

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Where's Johnny?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17452556) by [rainfiorest (mizue)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mizue/pseuds/rainfiorest). 



> THANK YOU GI for the translation. I originally wrote this story in portuguese and she had the kind sweet heart to translate it for me to english. THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU DESERVE ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD. <3333
> 
> Also, please check the foot notes because I have some links, related to this fanfic, that I'd like to share. :)

> _ And in the night I could be helpless _
> 
> _ I could be lonely, sleeping without you _
> 
> _ And in the day, everything's complex _
> 
> _ There's nothing simple when I'm not around you _

 

There was a time where Taeyong used to be happy. In fact, this happiness only lasted between his five and sixteen years, since he became more conscious until his teenage years. Part of this joy was directly related to Johnny, his best friend.

Johnny always carried around his dinosaur backpack. It didn’t matter to him if he was going to school or to a soccer match with friends. It didn’t matter if he was ten or sixteen. And it didn’t matter if everyone around him thought that his fascination with dinosaurs was slightly childish. Johnny loved dinosaurs and he loved that backpack ― a gift from his father, before he passed away when he was at age eleven. Johnny was the most laid-back and cheerful person his friends ever knew; a smart, joyful and caring young boy who conquered his classmates and friend’s parents hearts. Duller and reticent was his twin brother, Mark, who could often be found at the library or at the coffeeshop at the end of the street.

Taeyong was Johnny’s best friend. He had already accepted the dinosaur backpack long ago and now, at sixteen, was the first person to defend that object. Taeyong wasn’t the kind anyone would like to upset. He had this slightly dark aura, which made him look threatening ― but he was a good boy, the best friend Johnny could ever ask for, and even though the teachers used to see him as a potential rebel, he had extraordinarily high grades. He loved his leather jackets and ripped jeans, but the hair could range from pink to blue and he always wore a star pendant on the neck ― a gift given by Johnny itself two years earlier. 

Taeyong was secretly in love with his best friend, but Johnny was known for being in love with Yukhi ― a Chinese exchange student that could melt hearts with her big smiles and friendly behavior.

Johnny and Taeyong were inseparable. Until they weren't anymore.

 

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈ ❖  ┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

  
  


Loving Johnny was so easy that Taeyong couldn't even blame himself for letting this happen. I mean: how couldn't someone fall in love with him!? Johnny was everyone's best friend and an amazing person. Everything, from his prankish smile to his mature aura ― always way ahead his age ―, from his little dark and sparkling eyes, always analysts, to his incredibly great sense of humor. Johnny could make any sad situation into a tenuous one and he was the cure to Taeyong's sadnesses.

But when Taeyong needed him the most ― oh, he needed him by his side, telling him that everything was going to be alright! ―, Johnny was the reason why he needed someone; because Johnny wasn't there, nor at home, nor anywhere he knew ― he did check every single place they knew ―, and Taeyong couldn't ask for a hug and warm words. 

Who needed some warm words and a hug was Johnny, but there was no way Taeyong could give these to him. 

 

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈ ❖  ┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

 

**04.11.2013**  
  
  


The specialists analyzed all the information in the search for answers. The last day, the last week and the last day again, seen and reseen lots of times. The family and the school, interrogated, interviewed and questioned thousands of times. The classmates repeatedly being asked questions. The school had no vigilance cameras, so the witnesses were thir only shot ― but they didn't have any useful information.

Johnny had a normal day, just like every other day. Went to the school in the morning, had lunch with his friends and complained about going through a hard time with his science homework. He then attended his afternoon classes and even took part in the about the presidential elections. Thirty five minutes after the beginning of another class, he requested to go to the toiled. After some insistence, the teacher ― Mrs. Kim ― gave him the permission. Twenty minutes later, Johnny still hadn't come back and Mrs. Kim asked another employee ― Mrs. Choi ― to look for the boy. Mrs. Choi returned with his dinosaur backpack, but he wasn't nowhere near here.

They immediately called more employees to look for him, but it was only a long time later they remembered to talk with the school's caretaker. He then confirmed that Johnny passed by around one hour earlier, claiming he was feeling unwell and declaring that he was going home. The school called the home's phone number and nobody picked up. Then, they called his mother, and she immediately got out from her job to check if Johnny was home. Fifteen minutes later she returned the call to the school ― and to the police ―, saying that Johnny wasn't home. 


	2. track two: if i could turn back time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much, one more time, to Gi for translating this from portuguese to english! you my angel and saviour <333333
> 
> Also: the portuguese version already has 3 chapters and only now I'm posting the second... so I'm posting the third right away too!

_ My world was shattered I was torn apart _

_ Like someone took a knife and drove it _

_ Deep in my heart _

_ You walk out that door I swore that I didn't care _

_ But I lost everything darling then and there _

 

**04.09.2014**

 

― How are you feeling today?

Taeyong shrugged. He had the same feelings as every other day, and in every other day his answer was the same. Dr. Lee settled down and crossed her legs again, patient, while the tip of the pen was waiting millimeters away from the notebook. Taeyong wasn't exactly talkative, but she liked to write down every single word.

― Have you been dreaming with Johnny again? ― she insisted.

Taeyong sighed. He managed to deny, but it wasn't very convincing. Miss Lee always detected his lies. Unfortunately, she couldn't realize he didn't want to be there. If she could, she was really great on pretending she didn't. So he just waved vaguely with his head, looking away to the window behind his psychologist.

He could feel his hands shaking inside the hoodie's pocket, and he knew that sooner or later she'd see it too. The last thing he wanted to hear was another lecture on how important the medication was and why he shouldn't stop taking it. But he hated the medication. He hated the feeling of being lost that came with it, the indisposition and the fact that it made him feel like a victim.

Taeyong wasn't a victim ― Johnny was ―, and he just wanted to stop being treated like that. 

― What was your dream about?

He closed his eyes. On the outside, he looked like someone who's trying to remember it. But he was trying to forget. Which was something impossible, since this dream ― in fact, a nightmare ― has been haunting him for at least once a week. At last, he coughed and straightened up on his chair before speaking:

  ― I was talking to him. And suddenly he stopped laughing and left. I tried to chase him, but I couldn't move, and he was getting more and more distant and ai… ― His voice died, and Taeyong took a few seconds to take a breath and stay calm. ― I tried to scream, but I had no voice. And then there was the fire. 

― What was different this time? ― The doctor asked, unbothered. 

Taeyong took some time to answer. The more he rewinded the scenes in his memory, the more he thought the dream was the same as every other time. He read somewhere that if  you think about one specific memory constantly, it becomes contaminated and strays away from the truth.

― Nothing. ― He shrugged, giving up.

Doctor Lee wrote something on her notes before her counter attack.

― Are you sure?

Taeyong clenched his jaw, but gave up resisting. He always did.

― The fire. ― He said at last. ― The fire was less intense. 

Doctor Lee nodded in approval. Taeyong felt like a idiot. 

― Do you think that means you're less upset?

― No. ― The answer was quick and rude, but the psychologist didn't seem to mind. They remained in silence for long seconds, where she was analysing him and he tried to ignore her. In the end, she looked at the clock and closed her notebook, setting it on top of the table between them.

― Very good, Taeyong, I believe we've made some progress today. See you next week?

Taeyong didn't answer ― he never did, and if he could he'd never show up again ―. But he always did.

 

**┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈ ❖ ┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

 

**15.02.2013**

  
  


Johnny threw a popcorn on Taeyong's face, laughing hysterically. On the television,  _ Alien _ was on out loud. By Johnny's side, Taeyong was slightly shy, rolling his eyes and eating more popcorn to disguise how embarrassed he was.

― What do you mean? You've never kissed anyone, Lee Taeyong? ― He shouted.

― I don't know why you're so surprised. ― Taeyong replied, pretending to be indifferent to the jokes. ― If I did, you'd know.

― Okay, but saying it out loud makes it become more realistic. ― He threw other two popcorns inside his own mouth, chewing on it slowly. ―How is it possible?

Taeyong shrugged.

― I never had the chance, I guess.

― Well, we need to change this, don't you think? ― Johnny lifted his wrist and looked at his watch, and his face became a mask full of second intentions. ― We have time, we can go to Doyoung's party.

Taeyong  complained a lot, whined and tried to explain that he wasn't going anywhere  ― but Johnny won and one hour later they were at Kim Doyoung's place, the kind veteran that used to throw the best parties out of everyone at the school.

By the end of the night, Johnny fulfilled his purpose of getting Taeyong to kiss someone. But Taeyong could only remember Moon Taeil's breath that was pure alcohol and didn't even feel slightly fulfilled.

 

**┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈ ❖ ┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

 

**29.10.2015**

 

Taeyong couldn't stand the classes anymore. They seemed useless and superficial. The classmates were full of themselves and the teachers were shallow. The corridors were too clean and the dorm room was too much…. His roommate was also too much in a lot of aspects and Taeyong couldn't bare to be close to him, with his overflowing disposition and sympathy.

He didn't even know exactly what he was doing there. He decided to go to college to run away from his parent's glares and whispers. On the past two years his health was a reason to a constant worry on the family. Taeyong was hoping that, going to college, they could have some relief, change his life perspectives and run away from everything that was keeping him attached to the past.

They were two hard years. He couldn't even imagine how hard it was for Johnny's family. And for Mark, specially. Mark went from friend to someone he used to be next to. He had no fault on having the same face as the missing boy, and didn't have any fault on opening other people's bruises because of the memories that came to the surface whenever he was around. And Taeyong was extremely sorry, but couldn't deal with Mark's presence like he did before. Eventually, they lost contact. Whenever they crossed paths on the hallways, they were mutually invisible. Johnny's mother, in another hand, seemed lost and empty ― the only thing that was keeping her alive before was her (maybe only) child.

Two years. Johnny's been missing for two years.

Two years since he left the classroom to go to the bathroom, since Taeyong's heart was shattered by the pain, since he lost his best friend. Two years without a trace, news or any other kind of progress in his case. Johnny's face has been on the  _ missing children  _ page on the newspaper, and the posters that used to be all around the town were ripped and taken away long ago. It's been two years since Taeyong started to take the antidepressants, dreamt of fire and got lost inside his own existence.

― Are you coming tonight? ― Jaehyun asked, his voice making Taeyong snap out of it. He was having another moment, as the younger could notice. Sometimes, in the middle of conversations, Taeyong involuntarily shuts himself down inside some dark corner of his mind, and came back minutes later, asthmatic and in the verge of tears. Whenever he noticed that Taeyong was about to do this, Jaehyun tried to wake him up and, for sure, making questions always worked well. 

― Where? ― Taeyong lifted his eyes, lost. Jaehyun succeeded. 

― To Ten's dinner at his house.

― I don't know. I don't feel like going out.

Jaehyun swallowed a small  _ “You never feel like it _ ” that was on the tip of his tongue, and rolled his eyes instead.

― I'll clean the room till the end of the month if you do.

― The month's gonna be over in three days.

― It's still a good and valid offer.

Taeyong rolled his eyes. Jaehyun was a helpless case. However, despite the affliction he caused on him, Jaehyun was also the best thing he had found on the past two years. His only sunshine after Johnny disappeared.

― I'm being serious, Jae. ― He said at last. ― I'm really not in the mood to deal with people today. ― and, before Jaehyun could say he was always int he same mood, he finished: ― More than usual. 

Jaehyun didn't answer immediately, but he started counting on his mind. They were at the end of October… November was about to kick in.

Suddenly it hit him. He sat down at Taeyong's bed, where he was laying down with a comic book in hands. Deadpool seemed to be more threatening than ever.

― I know. ― He said it softly. ― But don't you think you should celebrate the fact you've met him instead of crying over losing him?

Jaehyun knew enough. He knew Taeyong's best friend was missing for at least two years and that his heart's been broken ever since. That Halloween was no fun to him, that autumn was the worst time of the year and that nothing in this world could take the melancholy away from Taeyong.

Taeyong turned his back to Jaehyun and sighed, facing the wall. Jaehyun touched his shoulder lightly, but got up and accepted the fact that he wanted to be alone.

 

**┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈ ❖ ┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

 

**02.11.2017**

  
  


―  _ Taeyong. It's Mark. _

Silence. Taeyong didn't hear that voice for four years and didn't know how to react. Why was Mark calling him, two days before… He took a deep breath.

― Yes?

―  _ I… don't know how to say this. Mom wants to do a funeral for Johnny. We thought you'd want to come. _

Taeyong nearly lost his air. A funeral? Johnny wasn't dead! They went silent again and he could hear Mark's breathing on the other side of the call. He tried to imagine how he looked like at the moment ― if he was still just like his brother, or if he had changed. But, even if he could see him, he wouldn't know. He couldn't bare to compare.

― A funeral? ― Asked at last, choking on his own words.

―  _ Yes _ . ― He paused. ―  _ With a empty coffin. _

Taeyong wanted to scream. Making a funeral for Johnny was giving up on him. It'd be like dropping the hopes of believing he was still out there, somewhere, alive, waiting for them to find him. Giving up on looking for him.

Taeyong refused to accept this, but he didn't have any power on deciding. That was up to Johnny's family.

― Okay. Thanks for the invitation.

When he mentioned the call to Jaehyun, his answer was immediate. Taeyong knew that he was an amazing friend, but the fact that he was really quick to say he'd go to the funeral with him was surprising.

― It could be good for you, Taeyong. ― He said.

Taeyong would contest, but he just nodded. Maybe he was right.

 

**┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈ ❖ ┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

 

**04.11.2017**

 

Mark was completely different from the picture on top of the coffin. Taeyong felt sick and asked himself, one more time, if Johnny would look like this if… If Johnny would look like this wherever he was. He couldn't believe four years have passed since he went missing. He  _ didn't want  _ to believe.

He approached the empty casket, full of meanings. He stared at the objects people were leaving inside of it. A poster from his favorite band, a plastic dinosaur, his sketchbook his… Taeyong felt something on his throat… his dinosaur backpack. He moved his hand towards it, in the intention of reaching the backpack, but then he refrained from doing it, feeling his chest getting heavy and his eyes becoming all teary. He thought about the little box he was carrying on the pocket of his coat and took it. He wanted to leave the box over there.

He opened it and looked at the silver star pendant. And then to the coffin. To Johnny's picture ― a happy, smiley and vivid Johnny. To Mark, who was talking to someone on the back of the room. To Jaehyun, who was staring at him with his eyes full of worry. Taeyong removed the pendant from the box and tried to put it down… instead, he clutched his fist around it and brought the pendant closer, holding it against his own chest.

He couldn't give up on Johnny. He couldn't bury that pendant, nor their friendship, nor their memories.

 


	3. track three: november rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credits to Gi for translating this for me <3 All the love to this cutie pie~

_ We've been through this such a long long time _

_ Just tryin' to kill the pain _

_ But love is always coming and love is always going _

_ And no one's really sure who's lettin' go today _

 

**07.2013**

 

― Why are your hands all blue? ― Taeyong asked, raising his eyebrows. Johnny smiled with guilt, rushing to hide his hand on his pockets.

― This, my dear, is a excellent question. ― He answered.

Taeyong waited for a proper explanation, but it never came. 

― So? ― He insisted 

Johnny shrugged, with a mysterious aura. Taeyong gave up ― for a while. Eventually he'd find out, because Johnny and him couldn't keep secrets from each other. Never.

And, in fact, one week later, he found out. On his birthday, Johnny gifted him a huge canvas, painted by himself, of a enormous and shining ocean. It was the prettiest gift Taeyong's ever received, and, on this same night, he cried tears of joy.

 

**┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈** **❖** **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

**01.07.2017**

  
  


― Today's a party day! Can we give Taeyong a round of applause? ― The room burst into clapping and shouting, and Taeyong felt his cheeks turning drastically red. 

A lot of people showed up! Jaehyun, Jeno, Jungwoo… even Yuta, Jaehyun's boyfriend, and Chittaphon, their new classmate! Taeyong hasn't had a decent birthday party in years (ever since he went to the college, he never came back to his family's house during his birthday ― doing it made him feel worse about Johnny's absence), and it was kind of weird to see this many people around him, smiling and singing to him. It was impossible to refrain himself from being happy as well for being with them ― specially with Jaehyun.

Jaehyun and him involved themselves in a warm hug, what made Yuta come in and hug the two of them. Taeyong liked Yuta and used to find them the most adorable couple he'd ever seen (he didn't know many). In a few seconds, Taeyong was surrounded by people and laughter, and for a brief moment he felt just like a regular person, normal and happy and like everything would be alright. He didn't feel Johnny's absence ― it felt like he was there, with them, and he knew he'd approve the party with a huge smile and a thumbs up.

**┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈** **❖** **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

 

**08.02.2018**

 

Jaehyun let out a deep sigh. Taeyong asked himself how were they still friends and why he kept standing this punk even after the university came to a end. Then he remembered both of them were completely broke and this was the best solution.

― I hope this gives me all of the karma points I'll need for the rest of my life. ― He complained. ― And that you get punished for bringing me here.

― Show some respect for the elderly. ― Taeyong snapped, placing a cardboard box on the back of the car. ― Let's see if you'll complain when you're sleeping on the couch my parents gave us.

― Yeah, your parents are angels, but I don't owe you anything.

Taeyong grumbled, but Jaehyun was already back inside. Yuta showed up by the doorway with a massive plant in a pot just as big, and Taeyong rushed to help him. Yuta was a great person, but he was a little bit clumsy.

― Where are you going with this plant? ― He asked. Yuta looked at him through the leaves and Taeyong knew he was smiling (he was always smiling).

― Your mom said we're supposed to take it as well.

Taeyong took the plant from his hands and went back inside, leaving him behind with a confused expression.

― Mom! I can barely take care of myself and you want me to look after another living thing? ― He complained.

Later on, back to the city and to the apartment Taeyong and Jaehyun would share for the next few years, the three of them were resting on the couch Taeyong's parents gave away. That's when Jaehyun exploded his friend's braincells.

― Taeyong. ― He called him softly. He just turned his head to face him, laying comfortably on the flowery couch. ― So, we don't know how to tell you this… ― He and Yuta exchanged some glares, and then he swallowed roughly.

Taeyong subtly straightened up, alert.

― Are you guys getting married? ― He seemed both shocked and enthusiastic with the idea. Yuta and Jaehyun exchanged another glance, somehow shaken with his words.

― No. ― Yuta answered calmly. ― Actually, it's quite the opposite, we…

― We broke up. ― Jaehyun completed, receiving a small nod from Yuta, confirming his words. 

Taeyong took some time to understand the information. He was looking from one of them to another while trying to digest everything.

Eventually, he reacted:

―  _ What? _

Yuta coughed, but Jaehyun touched his shoulder and decided to speak again.

― I just want you to know that nothing’s gonna change. We'll still be friends and everything will stay the same. The only difference is the label between me and Yuta, you know?

― No… yes. ― He shakes his head, feeling like he was six and about to have  _ the  _ talk with his parents. ― But why? What Happ? What…?

― We reckon we like each other a lot, but platonically speaking. ― Yuta explained, patiently. ― What doesn't work, because we're both, hm, very sexual. And the relationship endured the most it could, but it's not working anymore. ― He shrugged. ― We think we can be good friends, because that's what we've been doing all this time. 

― Well ― Taeyong sighed. ―, this is your relationship. ― He reached out for their heads and messed up their hair. ― Just promise me you won't use me as a therapist if things don't work out.

Jaehyun laughed out loud and Yuta rolled his eyes, trying to fix his hair.

― Yeah, Taeyong, don't worry. We still have Jungwoo and Jeno to bother.

Taeyong gave them the middle finger.

 

**┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈** **❖** **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

 

**01.11.2018**

 

Taeyong didn't want to be there, but Jaehyun was really emphatic when he said he refused to starve because of him. The oldest tried to argue that he was the one who'd starve and that Jaehyun could go shopping by himself  ― but, reconsidering, he didn't want to starve at all only for Jaehyun to complain later. So, he went shopping with him.

They were three days away from the day where Johnny went missing. The nightmares came back and he couldn't even count for how long he had been missing the psychologist sessions. Jaehyun didn't know about this, but Taeyong was feeling extremely guilty for making him wake up in the middle of the night with his cries. Jaehyun was a good friend ― but he wasn't Johnny.

Sometimes, Taeyong would stop and start imagining how things would be if Johnny was there. If they'd go to the same university, if they'd share the same dorm room, if they'd go shopping together. Maybe Taeyong could be one of these regular university students, the ones who go to parties and enjoy life, date and make new friends and enjoy the  _ best years of their lives _ . But Johnny wasn't there, Taeyong couldn't be a normal university student and Jaehyun was just too good to carry that weight.

― Paprika or garlic? ― Jaehyun waved the Pringles can on his hand right in front of his roommate's face.

Taeyong cleared out. He felt like his vocal chords were rusty due to the minimum usage. Even when Jaehyun convinced him to go with him, he just got up and nodded, without speaking anything else.

― Garlic. ― Jaehyun smiled mischievously and Taeyong immediately immersed himself in regret.

― Are you sure?

― I'm not going to make out with anyone, Jae. Give me the garlic and let me deal with my breath by myself. ― He took the can from his hand and threw it on the shopping cart.

― You're such a vibe killer. ― He mumbled, but ended up throwing the paprika can on the cart as well. 

― Yeah, I listen to this a lot.

― I wonder why! Oh! Chicken or veggies? ― He picked up two packages of instant noodles, waving them in the air.

― Chicken.

― Pff! ― Jaehyun threw both the packages on the car. ― Will we ever agree on something?

― We agreed on disagreeing.

Jaehyun smiled, and Taeyong nearly felt better.

 

**┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈** **❖** **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

 

**08.09.2012**

  
  


― Tae, promise me you'll never leave me.

Taeyong had to pause his game to look at Johnny and be sure he heard him well.

When he saw the despair in his shining, teary eyes and the loose shoulders, he confirmed that his hearing was great.

― I'll never do this, don't be stupid. ― He finally replied, facing him. ― What happened?

Johnny let out a deep sigh, pulling some loose ends on his denim pants. Taeyong patiently waited.

― Jessica broke up with me. ― He confessed at last.

Taeyong set the PlayStation controller aside and hugged him, being hugged back almost immediately. Taeyong was possibly the only person Johnny liked to hug. And also the other way round. Jessica and Johnny have been dating for almost a year and Taeyong had gotten used to her constant presence.

― We promised each other we'd last forever, but we didn't. ― Johnny shrugged, desperate. ― Please, Tae, don't let me go either 

― Never, Johnny. ― Taeyong promised. ― I'd never let you go.

And he had no plans on breaking this promise.


	4. track four: shadow of the day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translated by the wonderful Gio <3

> _ I close both locks below the window _
> 
> _ I close both blinds and turn away _
> 
> _ Sometimes solutions aren't so simple _
> 
> _ Sometimes goodbye's the only way _

 

09.02.2012

  
  


Taeyong took five days to finish his gift to Johnny, and even though he thought it'd be the perfect gift during the process of making it, now he was feeling quite the opposite. Johnny would hate it and Taeyong was the worst friend ever.

― I know you've got something with you, Tae. ― He let out a chuckle, trying to take whatever Taeyong was trying to hide from his hands.

― No, I don't. ― He took a few steps back. Johnny gave him a threatening glare before trying again, and Taeyong stepped on top of a chair, raising the package in the air. ― Only over my dead body, John Seo!

― Then I guess I'll have to kill you. ― The elderly put his hand on his own waist, thinking about another good strategy to get the present. He knew why Taeyong was playing hard to get ― he always did this kind of game every year ―, just like knew he'd love whatever he had prepared for this year.

He had to push him off the chair, do some wrestling with him on the floor and make some blackmail in order to get the package. Inside of it, he found a handmade sketchbook, Johnny's favorite album ― limited edition ― and one USB drive.

Only hours later, when the party was over and everyone had left, Johnny could see what was inside the USB drive: a playlist, curated by Taeyong, with a lot of meaningful songs that described their friendship across the years.

Taeyong had never seen Johnny tear up, but that was one of the  _ there's always a first time  _ kind of moment.

 

**┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈** **❖** **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

 

14.07.2018

 

Yuta was all sweaty and Taeyong was about to dig a joke on the ground only from walking from one side to another. After all, they were going to throw the biggest surprise party of the year to Jaehyun. Yuta was great on it, but too nervous ― he was forced to stop talking to him almost for a week so he wouldn't spoil everything. Taeyong was calm, but he couldn't remember for how long he hadn't taken a part on something like this.

The guests were already hidden in the kitchen. Jaehyun would show up in fifteen minutes ― if the timing was correct ―and then they would lose control. Taeyong was excited.

― Is Sicheng coming, Yuta? ― Taeyong asked after some time. He only then realized his friend's boyfriend hadn't shown up.

― Oh, he's in vacation with his family. But he left Jaehyun's gift with me.

― Did you check if Jaehyun's really alone and if there's no one else to invite? 

― Double check.* He's single and with no interests at sight

They became silent again. Yuta was drumming his fingers on the table and Taeyong could feel his heart sinking slowly. When they heard a small sound of a key opening the door, they ran back inside quickly, hiding like their lives depended on that.

Jaehyun came into the living room and the first thing he did was taking off his coat. He was about to unbotton his shirt when he received a call. Right when he was going to pick up, the kitchen's door opened and a small crowd started to sing  _ Happy birthday to you _ . Jaehyun was so startled by the surprise that he couldn't even react for a few seconds.

When the singing stopped and Taeyong and Yuta took some steps ahead, Jaehyun's smile lit up the room.

― I'll go first because I'm special. ― Taeyong said, causing Yuta to complain even though he didn't even try to be the first.

Taeyong put his hand on his pocket and grabbed a small package, which he gave to his friend.

Jaehyun picked it, but instead of opening the gift right away he hugged Taeyong. He hugged him with so much strength that Taeyong thought he'd asphyxiate, but he hugged his friend back and felt happy and ethereal. Jaehyun's happiness was Taeyong's happiness.

 When they pulled away and Jaehyun finally opened the gift, he revealed… boxers. Jaehyun looked at Taeyong, confused, until he noticed the saying on the back. He read it and then laughed out loud.

― “That’s why I’m here”?** Thanks, Tyong. ― Jaehyun's smile was something else.

 

**┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈** **❖** **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

**02.11.2013**

 

**― I think that my other half might be lost in the middle of the road or something like that, that's why I haven't found them yet.**

**Johnny laughed loudly, almost hysterical, which nearly offended Taeyong.**

― What's so funny?

― I think that the love of my life are Ferrero Rocher.

Taeyong rolled his eyes. Johnny really had the talent to make a serious conversation turn into something idiot.

― You have the world at your feet, Johnny. You can choose who's your soulmate, because you have a lot of options. But me? ― He reclined on the chair, spinning around with it. ― I'm that boy who's always the last pick at physical education.

― But you're literally always the first…

― IT'S A METAPHOR, JOHNNY. God, sometimes I don't understand why you're my best friend.

― My stunning looks and great humor. ― Johnny sent him a flying kiss and Taeyong pretended to shake it off. ― Now, what's a metaphor?

Taeyong threw a pillow on Johnny and he started to laugh again.

― Relax, Tae. ― He finally started to talk in a serious note. ― Your soulmate will show up. It might not be a soulmate, I don't believe in this, but the right person will show up for sure. ― Taeyong rolled his eyes, and then it was Johnny's turn to hit him with the pillow. ― See, if I did believe in soulmate and wasn't deeply straight, I'd say you're my soulmate. I wish I could find a female version of you.

Taeyong threw the pillow and the math book at him, and tried to hide how much these words had a impact inside of his head.

 

**┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈** **❖** **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

04.10.2018

 

Taeyong was staring at the tombstone, asking himself where did the time go. He couldn't believe it's been five years! It felt like just the day before he was at his living room's floor, playing Mario Kart with Johnny and doing some small talk.

Hours earlier, he had heard about a new security system that'd make kids disappearance impossible. When he did, melancholy and anger hit him in a way they haven't done in a long time, surprising both him and Jaehyun. Taeyong got up, took his coat and walked in the rain till he was at the graveyard's gates. He was used to be there only once a year, and he was one month early. Still, he got in.

Sitting besides the grave, ripping off dry petals of the dead flowers, he ranted to Johnny. Or to his empty grave. It's been a year since he stopped seeing the psychologist and he hasn't talked about his deepest feelings ever since ― not even with Jaehyun.

― Where are you, Johnny?  ― He whispered to the sky, trembling. It was cold and rainy, and his tears mixed up with the waters droplets, but he didn't want to get up and face the world again. 

To be honest, after all these years, during every single moment where he thought about ending everything, the only thing stopping him from doing it was the hope of seeing Johnny again. Taeyong knew that if John… no,  _ when  _ Johnny comes back, he'd like to see him, and it wouldn't be of any help if Taeyong was dead. But recently a new feeling was creating roots at the bottom of his conscience. It wasn't just about Johnny. Slowly, it was starting to become about himself as well.

Taeyong wasn't sixteen anymore and he knew that he couldn't keep living under the shadow of a tragedy. He knew that, no matter what happened to Johnny, he had the right of living a good life. Jaehyun spent the past three days and a half trying to make him understand that if he did stop living his own life, he'd still never be able to bring Johnny back, and Taeyong was slowly understanding this.

Taeyong was ready to live. No matter how much anger, lingering and pain he had been keeping inside of him, wasting his life wouldn't bring Johnny back. If…  _ when  _ he comes back, Taeyong would be better to meet him again.

But, on top of everything, Taeyong had to be grateful to Jaehyun and to the beautiful friendship they had built.

Jaehyun wasn't Johnny, but… he was the best friend he could have.

 

 

**┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈** **❖** **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

20.12.2018

 

― LEE TAEYONG, GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THIS BED RIGHT NOW.

Waking up to a heart attack? Check.

Taeyong stared blankly at Jaehyun, eyes still barely open, his heart still pounding like crazy on his chest. He immediately felt intimidated by a furious Jaehyun standing next to the door.

― What did I do? ― He asked, grumpy, rubbing his eyes.

Jaehyun put a hand on his chest, dramatic.

― What have you done? You didn't get up early for us to go grocery shopping, that's what you did. Now what you haven't done? You've definitely not kept your promise of helping me to decorate the house before dinner!

The last time that Taeyong got out of the bed that quickly was, possibly, when he was late for a test. But he was just in shape to be quick enough and get dressed, brush his teeth and brush his hair before Jaehyun could start complaining again. 

― It's two in the afternoon, we've got time. ― He said, picking up the keys of the Ford Fiesta he'd bought one month before (second handed, obviously, because his minimum salary didn't allow him to buy a better one).

Jaehyun complained all the way to the shopping center, but as soon as he saw the Christmas lights his humour changed drastically. 

When they finally came back it was nearly dinner time (oops), but they managed to decorate it and make it look warm and cozy enough to receive Jaehyun's parents.

When both of them asked about their relationship, Jaehyun choked on his soup and Taeyong gave him a few pats in the back while answering:

― We're best friends, Mrs. Jung.


	5. Track five: i hate this song

 

> _Speak with your tongue tied_
> 
> _I know that you're tired_
> 
> _But I just want to know where you want to go_
> 
> _I may be sad, but I'm not weak_
> 
> _This situation is bleak and your puffy eyes never lie_
> 
> _Your tears come from inside_

 

**14.02.2019**

 

All of Taeyong's and Jaehyun's foreigners friends were back to their own countries ― including Yuta ― and that reduced drastically their number of guests to Jaehyun's birthday party on this year. So Jaehyun actually suggested ― begged ― for them to skip the party. He'd rather go out for dinner with the one's who were still there and then go to the movies or to a pub, or maybe just stay home and watch old movies. Taeyong didn't like the idea at first, but eventually agreed with his choices.

It was Jaehyun's birthday and his wishes should be fulfilled.

This year, he had lost twice the amount of time he used to while looking for a gift to Jaehyun. He couldn't simply give him another pair of boxers with a sexual innuendo written on it. They have been friends for four years, been living together for one year and had been through so much together that only a gift with a special meaning could do him justice

He took weeks until he found what was on his mind, but a lot of money and discounts later, he had the perfect gift with him ― packaged and safe.

Their dinner was taking place at eight, but Taeyong was twenty minutes early. No one else was there yet, so he just asked the waiter to lead him to the table.

― There were a few changes in the order, sir. ― the man said ― So you'll be on one oft the small tables. There, the one at the back, next to the aquarium.

Taeyong thanked him and, despite how confused he was, he didn't question him. He sat down at the right place ― where he could find a small paper with the name 'Jung J’ ― and waited.

He looked at the fishes in the big tank by his side, all lit up with colorful lights and surrounded by thousands of types of seaweeds and decorations. He was so distracted that he couldn't even tell that Jaehyun was already there ― not until he moved the chair on his front, making some noise.

― Hyung. ― He smiled.

Taeyong was astonished at two different things when he looked at his friend. The first one was the fact that he called him 'Hyung’ with a smile ― usually, coming from him, the word 'hyung’ was always followed by some kind of joke. The second was the fact that Jaehyun was beautiful on that night, unlike any other day. Taeyong forgot about the fishes in a matter of seconds and suddenly all of his attention was on Jaehyun and his beautiful looks, on the carefully brushed hair and fancy clothes. He obviously went home after work.

― Hm, sorry, was I supposed to come with elegant clothes as well? ― he asked,  very aware of his leather jacket and black boots. Jaehyun chuckled.

― Nah, you look great. ― he answered ― And it's just the two of us tonight. Everyone cancelled out of the blue.

He shrugged, trying to show that he didn't care. Taeyong also tried not to make it a big deal.

It was a dinner like all of the others they had together before. Jaehyun insisted on healthy food, and Taeyong always wanted the most unhealthy one ― in the end, they'd end up stealing food from each other's plate.

Instead of having the dessert of the day, a group of workers came in with a cake and sang him Happy Birthday, and Jaehyun was so flustered that his face was fully red, like a tomato.

 When the workers were gone, Jaehyun punched and called Taeyong out a lot of times.

― It wasn't even my idea! ― he defended himself, trying to escape the punches.

― Lee Taeyong, don't try to fool me, you idiot!

― You're right ― Taeyong laughed. ―, that was my idea. ― and, after sticking a finger on the cake frosting, he painted Jaehyun's face with it. He immediately cleaned it with the napkin, not sparing any swearing words towards his friend, until everything was suddenly too quiet.

Around them, couples of every types were having romantic dates, talking softly and laughing with inside jokes. Jaehyun stared at them for a long time before letting out a sigh and Taeyong took it as a chance to take his gift and put it on the table. He waited until Jaehyun noticed it. When he did, he had a surprised expression, as if he wasn't expecting it.

― What's that? ― he asked, taking the golden bag and placing it on his lap.

― Happy birthday, Jung Jaehyun.

Jaehyun opened it, and immediately his lips formed a perfectly shaped ‘O’, astonished, at the same time his eyes widened. It was the best reaction Taeyong could ever receive.

― Oh my God, the first signed edition of Umibe no Kafuka! ― He screamed, the voice raising a few times. ― Where'd you find it?

― I have my secrets. ― He said, happily. He knew Jaehyun would like it, but he was living for the extra reaction.

― I could kiss you right now, asshole. ― Jaehyun put the book against the restaurant’s lights, twisting and turning it in a thousand different angles. He just couldn’t believe it at all. He then proceeded to stare at Murakami's signature for a long time before finally getting satisfied and setting the book aside.

He looked at Taeyong intensely for a few seconds, smiling like an idiot, before shrugging and looking away.

― I’m glad you liked it. ― Taeyong said, happy. Jaehyun turned to look at him once again, looking all offended.

― You’re glad I like it?! ― he said, surprised ― I love it! It's the best birthday gift ever! I mean, I'm sorry, last year's boxers were great, but… ― He interrupted himself when Taeyong started to laugh. When it finally came to an end, he added up: ― I'm wearing them right now. ― Taeyong burst out laughing at him, so hysterically that the other customers started to take a glance at them.

While he was laughing, it was Jaehyun's turn to take something out of his pocket and set it on the table. When he calmed down, he finally noticed it.

― What's that?

Jaehyun smiled softly.

― Happy Valentine's day, Taeyong.

 

 **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈** **❖** **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

 

**14.02.2013**

Taeyong carefully shoved the blue envelope back into Johnny’s locker, confirming if his surroundings were actually free. He was doing something risky, but he just couldn't remember the last time he was afraid of doing something. He would never be able to confess to Johnny face to face, but nothing could stop him from making his feelings clear in some other way.

Just five lockers away was Taeyong's own, and he took the chance to pick up his History book before heading to the classroom. There wasn't anything else inside besides from his books and notebooks, but that wasn't surprising at all. The first and last time he received a Valentine's Day note was on the fourth grade, with a “you're almost as good looking as Sasuke, but he's still prettier.” He never really found out who sent that, but the main suspect was a girl who used to carry around a Naruto lunchbox.

Johnny was already at the classroom, nearly laying down on the table while chewing some gum. Taeyong sat down next to him and slapped his forehead.

― The teacher will kill you if he sees you chewing gum.

Johnny shrugged, but he immediately put the gum on a old napkin.

― So, have you got any plans for tonight? ― Taeyong asked, putting his backpack on the table. He remembered he didn't do the last tasks of his homework so he reached for Johnny's notebook, who didn't even flinch at his actions. He let out a sigh because of the question.

― There's a party at Hoseok's house. ― He said. ― Maybe I'll go, maybe I won't.

― What's with that obsession on making parties on every single festivity? ― Taeyong asked, acidly.

― Well, it's called festivity for a reason.

Taeyong shrugged, writing down the homework.

― Don't write exactly the same as I did! ― he warned. ― Make some mistakes.

― Or get some right. ― he rolled his eyes. ― You didn't even try.

Johnny pulled his notebook from Taeyong's hands.

― Do your own homework then, ungrateful fuck.

Taeyong did it since the teacher was kinda late, and Johnny restarted the previous subject.

― I got two invitations for different parties. Hoseok's and another one… Hwasa? Something like that. And two Valentine's notes. My fanbase keeps growing.

Taeyong closed his notebook, looking at his friend exasperatedly

― Oh my God, you're so full of yourself. You're not that much of a big deal, okay?

― That's not what the notes say.

Honestly, Taeyong couldn't even agree with himself.

 

 **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈** **❖** **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

**14.02.2019**

 

Taeyong had the feeling that, on this situation, being uncomfortable would be something natural. But that was the last thing he could feel. Surprise? Sure. Confusion? Definitely. After all, his best friend just gave him a Valentine's day gift. And it wasn't any gift: it was a bracelet with a small metallic plate where he could read:

 

 

> _Latitude: 37° 25' 48.00" N_
> 
> _Longitude: -122° 10' 12.00" W_
> 
> _Latitude: 3° 12' 43.2" S_
> 
> _Longitude: 5° 12' 39.6" W_

 

 

  |    
---|---  
  
― Wow, Jae. ― He said, astonished, holding the gift in between his fingers, too surprised to say anything else. He stared at the numbers and the letters for way too long, avoiding Jaehyun's look.  
  
― Oh. ― Jaehyun smiled. ― The first two lines are the coordinates to where we met. The last two represent where I could go for you.

Taeyong felt the texture of the numbers, feeling his stomach twist and his heart beat rate increase in anxiety. He looked at him.

― Where? ― He asked. ― Where's the second one?

― The deepest hole in the moon.

They remained silent for a long time. Taeyong ended up putting the bracelet around his arm, his mouth getting dry.

― Can we go somewhere else to talk? Somewhere more quiet…

And that's how they ended up in Sunny Cove, feet on the sand and hairs messed up by the breeze.

They were so close to each other that a slight movement could be enough to reach the other's skin, but they were still too silent. Jaehyun cleared up and Taeyong felt that anxiety at the bottom of his stomach. He wanted to run away from everything.

― Tyong. ― He said. ― Do I really need to put it into words?

Taeyong didn't answer. His attention was on the waves, and he felt like his mind could flow like them. His chest was going up and down and his fingers were trying to keep attached to the sand, but everything he could see were the small, white dots in the dark sky. Jaehyun let him be. He gave him time.

― You're the most important thing in my life. ― He whispered, at last.

He thought the waves and the birds had taken his words away, but the way Jaehyun looked at him proved him wrong. Taeyong kept staring at the sea, but he could get a glimpse of his friend's expression. However, his words could be understood in a million different ways, he knew that wasn't enough.

― I'm sorry, Taeyong. ― Jaehyun said, a few moments later. ― I didn't want to disturb you, but I… All these feelings, inside of me, were destroying me. I'm not saying we should have something else, our friendship is what I value the most. But I needed you to know.

 

 **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈** **❖** **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

14.02.2013

 

―God, Johnny, I got a note. ― Taeyong said, showing the envelope to his friend. Johnny tried not to seem surprised, but it was unavoidable.

― Well, it seems like we have a new hot guy on school. ― He said before taking out two envelopes off his own locker. ― Well, two.

Taeyong swallowed up some swearing words he was about to say when he noticed that one of the envelopes was his own. Suddenly, he regretted what he did and felt like running away as soon as possible. He slammed his locker's door and took his stuff off the floor.

― I need to pee.

At the bathroom, he tried to focus on breathing steadily and slowly, trying to calm himself again. He was regretting every single choice he ever made in his life and even concluded that he was stupid enough to write a whole collection of encyclopedias based on idiot situations. When he was finally calm enough, he remembered that he had the note in his pocket. He grabbed it, anxious and scared at the same time.

“ _You're a wonderful person and your beauty surprised me every single day. I hope someday you find everything you look for inside of you.”_

There was no signature, but Taeyong kept that note with other special items like it was some kind of treasure.

When he finally went back and met Johnny again, they didn't talk about the Valentine's day notes. He was playing Candy Crush on his phone and Taeyong did the same until it was time to go back to the classroom.

 

  **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈** **❖** **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

 

14.02.2019

 

Taeyong moved very quietly, to the point that Jaehyun, focused on watching the birds flying high, couldn't even notice it. But when he looked at Taeyong once again, he was suddenly closer, and the birds cries were muffled by the hope he was feeling.

Taeyong ended the distance between them, approaching until their lips came together briefly, and that was enough to send shivers through his body. Jaehyun's lips were soft and warm and he felt like this moment was one of the best things he'd been through before Jaehyun properly kissed him. He felt happy and ethereal. He didn't know exactly what to do ― he had no experience with kissing, and all of the three kisses he had before were embarrassing and driven by alcohol ―. But this one… Jaehyun was soft and sweet and he could fit perfectly the emptiness in Taeyong.


	6. track six: holding pn and let go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we have it... the very last chapter. This was a long journey and now it ends, but I am proud of how it turned out to be and happy that we made it together. Thank you to everyone that read, commented or even glanced at this fanfic: you are amazing and I am gratful for your whole support. 
> 
> Again, thank you so much to Gi for translating this from portuguese to english. Without her, you probably wouldn't be reading this haha

> _ It's one door swinging open  _
> 
> _ And one door swinging closed _
> 
> _ Some prayers find an answer _
> 
> _ Some prayers never know _
> 
> _ We're holding on and letting go _

 

 

27.05.2003

 

― Do you think that Mr. Squishy would like a surprise party?  ― Johnny asked, out of the blue, hanging a balloon in the kitchen's chair. He wish he could put it on the ceiling, but his mom would always scold him and tell him not to step on top of the chairs.

Taeyong finished organizing the plastic cups on the table (Johnny's sister agreed on borrowing her doll's tea set to Mr. Squishy's birthday) before actually replying.

― Of course. Mr. Squishy loves cake!

― But Miss Pepper will be upset.

― She's  _ always  _ upset.

Johnny let out a sigh, tired. Decorating the kitchen to a party turned out as something really tiring and hard. But he knew it was worth it because Mr. Squishy deserved the best party ever.

They heard a scratch on the kitchen's door and Taeyong rushed to keep it locked. When he did, the dog cried a bit on the other room.

― Not yet, Mr. Squishy! It's a surprise! ― He then turned around to look at Johnny. ― That was close.

Johnny pretended to dry some sweat off his forehead and looked around. They still needed to wait for his mom to come over with the cake and then everything would be ready. Mr. Squishy was going to love it!

― I can't even believe Mr. Squishy is already five years old.  ― Taeyong said, spacing out. ― We have to throw another party when he turns ten.

― Yes! And when he turns twenty! ― He clapped, happy.

― What about Miss Pepper? She's already ten years. Or twelve. Who knows?

― We'll do one when she turns fifteen! You have to ask your mom when's her birthday.

They did a high five, both very excited. They had so many parties to plan! They were the best humans in the world and Johnny's pets were so lucky! Taeyong always wanted to own a pet but his parents wouldn't let him because of his sister's allergy. That's why he always said that when he grows older he and Johnny would live together with Mr. Squishy and Miss Pepper, and they would be really happy together.

But they never got the chance to live together, and Mr. Squishy died two months after Johnny went missing.

 

**┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈** **❖** **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

12.08.2019

 

― _No._ ― Jaehyun interrupted before Taeyong could keep talking.

― But… Jae! ― He cried out ― Look at him!

Jaehyun nodded negatively. Taeyong whined a bit, but his boyfriend wouldn't change his mind so he decided to use a different approach. He put the small cat on the floor and crossed his arms.

― The cat stays.

Jaehyun only shrugged, changing his attitude drastically.

― Okay.

Taeyong smiled and kissed Jaehyun's cheek, who rolled his eyes and mumbled something he couldn't understand.

Taeyong picked the cat again and walked all the way to the bathroom, intending to give him a good shower. He found the kitty in his building's entrance, all dirty and needy. Taeyong was stone cold to some situations, but an abandoned animal? 

Fifteen minutes in, his telephone started to ring. Jaehyun picked it and took it to the bathroom so that Taeyong could answer his phone. However, when he saw who was calling. He had a bad feeling, but ignored it and handed it over to his boyfriend anyway. When Taeyong saw who was calling, they exchanged a meaningful glance and he briefly forgot about the cat in the bathtub.

― Hey, Mark. 

― Hi, Tae. Is everything okay? ― Jaehyun decided to take care of the cat, wrapping him around a dry towel. ― So, I've got news. ― Taeyong waited, unable to say anything. What could've happened? He couldn't even breath properly. ― Tae, they found Johnny. His… his body.

 

**┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈** **❖** **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

03.11.2013

 

Johnny was laughing out loud, and Taeyong was sure that anyone in a span of three quilometers could hear him. But he didn't care, because Johnny's laugh was like music to his ears, and seeing him all happy was heart-warming.

― Ok, now this… ― He said, holding his phone next to his face so he could read the small letters. He was laying on Taeyong's lap, who was trying to read a comic book. ― What's the power plug favorite color? Electric pink!

Taeyong let out a chuckle to make his friend feel better. These jokes were so crappy that only Johnny could like them. He tried to keep reading, but Johnny insisted on laughing like a kid and tell his jokes out loud. Taeyong gave up, setting the comic aside.

― Ok, this one's good! What's there result of a crossover between a bread, cheese and a monkey? ― He laughed again, but didn't wait for Taeyong to answer. ― A Cheese-panzee!

― Hey, Johnny, guess this one. ― He said, smiling. ― What's the crossover between my fists and your face?

Johnny stopped laughing immediately, looking at his friend like someone who's hurt, but he quickly smiled with a fake innocence.

― Affection?

Taeyong slapped his forehead, but eventually proceeded to caress his hair  ― because he was a fool and whatever was Johnny's wishes, he would fulfill them.

 

**┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈** **❖** **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

13.08.2019

 

Taeyong spent the whole night crying, but dismissed Jaehyun's company. This was something that he could never change: when he was sad, all he wanted to do was to be alone. However, during the night, he walked into his boyfriend's bedroom to cuddle with him. Jaehyun hugged him and whispered sweet things to Taeyong until he finally fell asleep. In the morning, when the alarm went off and Taeyong realized that he needed to go to work, Jaehyun took the initiative to call both workplaces and tell they were sick. It wasn't a lie at all. He then cuddled Taeyong again and let him sleep until it was lunch time.

― Tyong, you gotta eat something. ― He prepared the lunch and put it on a tray, setting it by Taeyong's side, pulling his foot softly so that he could wake up. He sat down, accepting the food. Jaehyun was relieved.

Taeyong's face was puffy and he had red eyes, but he didn't seem like he was going to keep sulking and thinking about the past. He was grieving, finally, after six hurtful years.

At the funeral ― the real one, with a real body ―, two days later, Taeyong was calm. Obviously, he was feeling a lot of different things, including pain and sadness, but he kept a respectful and peaceful attitude. He didn't let go of Jaehyun's hand, not even for a second, but Jaehyun knew that this was keeping him calm.

It was only at the very end of the ceremony, after he saw the coffin being put underground with Johnny and all of his objects, when everyone was gone and only Mark was still there, that Taeyong finally let go of Jaehyun.

― I'll be right back. ― He said, walking away. Jaehyun watched as he approached Mark. He looked at the flowers laying on the new earth, to the new tombstone. The first date was indicating Johnny's death in 2013, on the year he went missing, and the second one was from 2015, when he really died. Jaehyun couldn't even imagine what kind of life Johnny had during these two years, or why did it take so long for the police to find him.

When Taeyong came back, he hugged him tightly and hid his face on his neck. Jaehyun knew he was crying even before he let out a son, so he just hugged Taeyong back and kissed his hair every now and then. There were no words that could make everything better. Mark and the gravediggers left and then it was just the two of them. And Johnny.

Taeyong only talked again hours later, on their way back. Jaehyun was driving with an eye on the road and another one on him and realized he had something to say. He pulled off on a gas station and turned off both the car and the radio.

― Jae. ― He whispered, muffling a son. Jaehyun held his hand tightly. ― He's been on a maniac's house all of this time. Locked in the basement with other children. And he was buried on the woods, like an animal, like a… ― He started to cry again. Jaehyun wiped his tears. ― The only reason that allowed them to find him was the fact that the man was arrested for another crime and confessed it. They found three other boys and… the DVDs.

Jaehyun was in a loss of words, but Taeyong's hit him right in the stomach. Somehow, he felt like Johnny was also his friend because he was a constant presence in his life; knowing that someone that young suffered these kinds of atrocities, someone so important to Taeyong… He was about to reach Taeyong for a hug, but he suddenly opened the door and left the car. Jaehyun only realized what was happening when he heard Taeyong throwing up, loudly, outside. He felt his chest tighten, painfully, and ran outside to help him.

― Everything's gonna be fine, Tyong, I promise. ― He assured, holding his face in between his hands. Taeyong wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, crying silently. Jaehyun finally hugged him, feeling Taeyong's body loosen, holding onto him desperately.

 

**┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈** **❖** **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

25.02.2020

 

― Hey, little kid.  ― Taeyong reached out and caressed Mr. Mochi's head. The cat sat on his lap, purring with the sudden display of love. Jaehyun came from the kitchen with a tray full of cookies in his hands and kissed the cat's head. ― Hey, what about me? ― Taeyong complained when he was about to go.

Jaehyun rolled his eyes, but ended up kissing his boyfriend. He smelled like flour and chocolate and Taeyong felt the need of saying that, receiving a playful slap as an answer.

― This is the price for good and homemade food. You're the one who asked for the cookies.  ― He defended himself.

― I wasn't complaining. ― He grabbed him by the wrist, refraining him from leaving again. ― My parents want us to come over for dinner on Saturday.

― Hmmm. 

― Please, why are you like this? They love you! 

― Their cat doesn't.

― She dislikes everyone but herself. Also, she's already pretty old, I bet she doesn't even have nails anymore. 

Jaehyun tried to keep making an  scene, but Taeyong knew it wasn't for real. On Saturday, they went to Lee's house to spend the day. As soon as she saw Jaehyun, the cat let out an angry sigh.

― What's the matter with her?  ― He complained, slightly offended. 

― I suppose she misses her old family.  ― Taeyong shrugged.  ― But you behave well, you're  a good girl, right, Miss Pepper? 

The cat glanced at him in an intense and judging way.

― This cat only likes one person besides herself, your father. ― Taeyong's mom came from the kitchen with two trays, setting them on the table. ― Poor thing, what could've happened if we didn't adopt her? Mark only comes to town once a year, she'd be alone.

― Why didn't he take her with him? ― Jaehyun asked. He knew the cat was previously with the Seo's, but Taeyong never explained how she ended up with the Lee's.

― His baby is allergic.  ― She said, sadly, hands on her waist and all covered with flour.  ― Poor family… full of sadness.

Jaehyun looked at Taeyong, searching for answers, but he was too busy with Snowball, his brother's dog (Sehun, who was in the kitchen preparing his famous vegetarian lasagna specially for Jaehyun); now that their older sister was away, they could have all sorts of animals.

Later, when Taeyong was shopping with his mother, he started the subject with Sehun. He was curious about the cat, but the answer left him full of worries.

― Their mom died nine months ago.  ― Sehun said. ― The sadness took its toll on her. She lived all these years hoping she'd finds her son again. And Mark found himself in New York, but his baby has really bad allergy to animal fur and his wife doesn't like cats. ― He shrugged. ― He showed up at our doorstep and my parents couldn't say no.

When they were home, away from Chicago, Jaehyun asked Taeyong why he didn't tell him. Taeyong shrugged, clueless.

― It's the first time I hear about that. I asked my parents not to tell me anything related to the SEO family. I'm sad she passed away. ― He let out a sigh. ― But I'm glad the cat's okay now.

Taeyong smiled and Jaehyun saw it was genuinely happy. Everything would be alright.

 

**┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈** **❖** **┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈**

13.09.2015

 

Taeyong was unpacking when the room's door was open. He didn't get scared, but he was definitely surprised. He didn't expect to be bothered that soon  ― seven in the morning; who, besides him, was that early? He turned around to see who was there, finding a pile of boxes. Behind them there was someone.

― Oh, hi.  ― He said, only to announce he was there. The person spun around and set the boxes on the ground before they finally looked at each other. It was a blonde boy with a pretty smile; a really beautiful boy, to be honest.

― Hey, sorry to bother you, I didn't think someone would be here that early. ― He smiled, revealing cute dimples and offering a handshake. ― I'm Jaehyun.

Taeyong shook hands with him, trying to sound nice.

― I'm Taeyong, I just got here as well.

― Nice to meet you, Taeyong. It seems that we'll have to live together for the next three years, so… Should we grab lunch together to meet each other?

Taeyong wanted to say they'd have enough time to meet each other, but something in the back of his head told him that being rude to his roommate in their first five minutes wasn't a good idea.

So he just shrugged and followed him to the cafeteria   ― and this was the first good decision out of a lot he'd make in the next year. Taeyong couldn't know at that time, but that lunch was the beginning of a new life.

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> TRAILER: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ra7ZH6MH-pc  
> FANFIC'S INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/wheresjohnnyff/  
> OFFICIAL PLAYLIST: "Where’s Johnny: The Mixtape"  
> Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7L2ZpuCEdZIox784kXX53P  
> Youtube: https://youtu.be/yA9WhYnsD_4


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